Do I?

I work the whole day and night. The only rest I can have is at night when its time to sleep. I can't sleep early, 3AM is the usual time can. I have sleeping disorder that no one has noticed and no one even tried to asked why?

I guess its pretty obvious, I am unhappy with life. No matter how hard I work, how much I earn in a month. That is not all that matters for me. But still people sees it that I worked for myself. Which, it makes me laugh. I can't even buy my underwear. Yes, I am earning enough. But its not for myself. And I wish this people around me could notice that and would be sensitive enough of what is thing feeling and things inside me.

I am trying to reach out to every person in our house, but they doesn't seem to notice this unhappy thoughts and feeling of lost that I have.

I thought, one person would fully understand me. But I was wrong, I thought this someone would think of what would hurt and make me happy or just even laugh at one time in my life. But I failed.

These people are just good to themselves, so please stop and don't make me believed that someone of you still care of what I felt and how I've been through these days.

I hope... I pray...

I went to the mall after work today, I was sitting at the restaurant around while I wait for my order. I don't know what makes me feel that way, but one thing for sure it was a call.

While I was looking around those people around the resto. I felt something passing beside me and felt the cold into my body. When I look into the left side where I was sitting, I saw a lady wearing a bonnet. She really caught my act, the fact that she was as that 40 yrs. old something. Then I realized that she doesn't have a hair anymore, the reason why she wear's it on.

She was with 2 kids, all boys and her mom. As I was looking at them, there was this feeling inside of me that I could not really tell but I was holding my tears to fall. I was left unspoken for quite awhile, and as I look up again to the lady. I whisper to God and myself... "God, please bless this lady here wearing bonnet with her kids and her mom. Give her a longer life to enjoy and feel your blessings showering upon them..."

Minutes after that silent spoke I had. This young boy looked into my eyes, just by the look in his eyes. I was able to read his thoughts, and then he ran into his mother and hug her tight. From then, I told myself. "God, this is not the first time you made me feel this..." and smile.

Now, I fully understand the things happening around.

Just When I thought...

I always think of what others could make them happy. Make sure they'll get the best of what I can give to them.

I had been in to this thought about a couple of times already. And its frustrating me that I am the only one who wanted the best for others and they never think of what could make me happy and couldn't even asked if I am hungry.

I am very hungry at this very moment. They've all eaten enough but doesn't even think of me.

This is what my life is... I am spending too much for other people and I can't even buy for myself. Not a bread.

See how good my life is?

When things seems to be OVER

Today is a lazy day, I don't know exactly what to feel from bed. Waking up with lots of mess around. My mom went through another house around and see things that she wanted to have in our house. That always happened, every time she take her feet out of the door step she always find something and take it home not a "thing" but ideas she wanted to have and can't afford to have it herself.

She is a jealous type of person, and gives all the responsibility on me when it comes to her needs and the things she wants. Its disrespectful of me to say straight to her that I am pissed off of her act. But honestly, I am really into the 9th power of everything around this house. I am giving everyone the best of what I can. I don't even have the time and not a time that I've thought of something for myself.

It's hurting me so bad, that no one even cares to be sensitive enough of what I feel inside and what I need emotionally in order for me to have strength.

I am tired of my daily routine of life. I have done much to prove my family that I loved them too much that I'd rather give all they want instead of working for my own. But I fail to that point, every night I had this thoughts that I can not speak to anybody or anyone around because I know, whatever I might do. No one will ever try to understand.

I am young, and ambitious. Yet, losing hope and grip of my dreams and wants in life.

How am i?

Would anybody care to ask me "how am i doing?"... the usual, I left myself at one corner. I got nobody to share my thoughts with. If I might have one, its too late for the action. Wahehehe... Anyways, I really got nothing in mind right now aside from how do i make money aside from work. With the economy problem, credit crunch and everything. Will there be a chance to stand up and say "yeah right, we've been there and recovered"...

I was thinking of things like getting a prepaid credit card from one site which I had google. What do you think is the best I can do?